This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off
in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
	remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
	put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
	are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
	I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
	who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
	in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
	feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
	by now. Get me more beer before Ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
	the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
	getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
	or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
	to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
	beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300
	lb. woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste
	I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
	considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
	admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
	can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
	needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
	that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
	from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
	wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that
	the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
	spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
	garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
	sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
	worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
	stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
	need to wipe my butt with a snowcone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
	of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that
	I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of
	distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
	wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
	sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
	chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
	of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
	know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
	painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
	air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
	bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
	nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
	farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
	top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller,
	wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report